Friday, October 16, 2009

life long reoccuring medical problems really suck

Well first it doesn't seem to matter what it is. From illness to injury it sucks.

First there is the who do you talk to if you have a bad day or bad week or bad month? Who do ask to help when you just simply cant keep up? The people that you love and love you back? Why? So they take pity on you which is the best case. Because if they truely love you it hurts them too emotionally on some level not only that but if they have to take time off work juggling things around. I know I've been on the other side with different ppl i love having several different kinds of cancer to back issue's.

And hell my Grandma May. She and i wrote every month most of the time 2 or 3 times a month. She had Breast Cancer for years refused treatment and locked herself away from family. She to knew it then. Then all of a sudden she's dead and gone. The one person who I was truely close to that is a blood relative that WAS living is gone. She was my confidant 100% told her everything. I guess I should be mad she didn't tell me. But I understand she didn't because she didn't want me to suffer with her. Does that make her a stronger person or a weeker one though? That I really don't know. She took all that pain and suffering to her grave and only her doctor's knew. That's gotta take something thats for sure. Me, I couldnt do that. To a point I do, but not forever. Not telling not a single person.

So what are you to do when simply washing dishes or doing laundry is a momentus chore. Not just a chore but actually so painful it just don't get done unless its absolutely has to, and then you end up crying over the sink because you have to wash dishes by hand trying not to pass out from the pain. And you'd rather ppl think you and your husband are just slobs verses them knowing its because you hurt to bad to and your husband with work, kids, taking care of an injured wife, and home knows that things have just got to slide sometimes. And then when you don't hurt by the time you do catch up there's only like a few days, maybe a wk where the whole place is nice and clean. But of course ppl never drop by on those days.

Adding on top of that the fact you can take absolutely nothing for it because you have little ones around that you have no choice but to look after, care for, and love them. Or when just taking a step is so painful you want to not care, you want to just drug yourself as the doctors tell you. Some take that way out. Ok alot take that way out it seems. But what about the rest of us? Those of us that struggle, in relative silence trying not to show the hardest of days, weeks, or months to those we love. Those of us that don't pop 3-7 pain pills a day? What are we supposed do? I know I've flushed at least a few thousand dollars worth of them pills because it seems pain management therapy is hey we'll dose you until you have no life and are addicted to them b4 you know it and become just another drug addict and hope you overdose as there isn't a single thing they can do other wise. No thanks Doc's not for me.

I know my gram would say suck it up. Head up, chin up,dry them tears, put a smile on that face and think. Is there anything you can do to make it a little easier? Then do that. ATM I'd like to say to her ok then go buy me damn dishwasher that works and hire a cleaning service to come in once a wk or something. Hahaha, very funny. Things cost money. Then she'd laugh, offer the money and I'd tell her No. I'll go over finances and find away. Which in fact is what we are trying to do to make one thing a little less of a such a royal pita. Well the dishwasher part of it anyway. It may be do able but having someone do our laundry well thats one thing we just have to do.

Anyway, I was sitting here feeling like shit cuz the place is a mess. I hurt. Bad. Bad enough to the point that they have this foam injection for ppl like me. It was out in the 50's. It's a cure. An honest true CURE. Kinda like the Cure for cancer gave a very high percentage of the ppl that took it parkinsin's diease. I know about as my grandfather was one of those ppl. They had it out for a very short time b4 they pulled it. But it exists. With what would CURE me however has what they say is a 50/50 shot of also killing me. Half the ppl they gave the injection to died of asphixiation due to allergic reaction. It was being reformulated. And it was said to be so close it could have possibly been released this year. Yuppers a cure. But something happened. Back to the drawing board it goes. And honestly with the last few months I'm to the point the hell with it. 50/50.

I just don't know if that is good or very bad....

But I do know that it simply just truely SUCKS.

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