Saturday, December 5, 2009

Just Stuck

You know those times in life that you actually love where are and are truely happy?

Everything just seems like its turning out the way you wanted and the things that are bad or wrong in your life you've managed to turn them into good things or get passed them.

It's funny how one sentence TOTALLY FUCKS it up.

I've had it with other ppl interupting or fucking it up. But in this case I can not prevent it.

Ppl that really know me know that I don't allow things/objects/ppl or anything stop me from what I really want. The ONLY consideration I give is how it affects the ppl that mean the most to me. If it don't hurt them or I could honestly truely know that its for the better of all the people involved then there is no stopping me. If I cant move it, go around it, go under it, or climb above it. Well then damn it all to hell I will go through it and if you step up to try to alter my course.. well lets just say you might as well not bother as I've always found away.

There are only 3 times in the 30yrs of my life so far that I've not taken the way or ways I've found. Only 3 times where I've given in. Said to myself ok none of the options or paths or choices what ever they may be are not worth taking. That the pain or the altered course that I have to endure or take is for the best even if it don't feel like it. Even if I can't know the outcome with certainty. Someone I truely value told me when I was young. "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you react to it that determines the outcome."

Cecil going into the military was one of them. I could have no doubt honestly kept to the, if you go to basic I'm gone. But seeing that tear in him the fist time I just casually said it.. I couldn't do that, not to him.

So all that big huge binder with all the plans for the wedding in the garden in OKC went in the trash. The thousands of MY money spent on deposits and other full purchases for the wedding of my dreams gone with it. I went to school at 7am got out at 1pm went to work at 2pm. Until I went back to school at 5pm for an hr. And after that class was over it was back to work until 11pm or 1 am. Only to do it all over again the next day to earn that money. But that night he told us all I realized I didnt care how much I worked for it. All I wanted was him. So in the trash it went and the friends that helped me plan it well honestly some thought I was plain nuts. Then I felt hey its a good thing I didn't sit down and do those invitations with him yet. But I still do appreciate the work and money a few ppl helped me with.

Then of course with those idiot military doctors. And those idiot back doctors. Fine I cant have more kids theres ways around that. Not the end of the world. Ya, it chokes me up but whatever. Being in pain everyday to a certain lvl ok. Hell with as much as I've been through and had to deal with as a child thats nothing. I knew I'd have good days and bad days. But I had not 1 lawyer but many go over it all. I know the figure I could have gotten. Logically, I could have made it enough to cover my life long medical condition. But to know that if I did Cecil would come home very hurt and unhappy because if I did they'd kick him out.

Ppl that have known me for say longer then 15yrs know what a Bitch I can be. 1 man's feelings would have never stopped me. But I knew since that night we went to OU and to park and at 6am I knew if I had died right then and there it would all be worth it because I had at that time never been happier in my entire life.

Which brings me to the third. The NOW. The stuck.

Option 1 Cecil passes up Korea, almost garenteeing that his next assignment will be even worse, more dangerous, ect...

Option 2 He goes for the yr alone. Someone will have to mow the yard. Because of the cyst in my hand I'm not allowed to or it will come back. Cant even use a controller that vibrates for that matter. And yes for my dirty minded friends that includes what your thinking as well. Shame on you. Or is it shame on me cuz I know you too well? Not only that, if my back doctor got wind of that he'd kick my ass along with my main doctor. Well if he got wind of living alone for a yr with 2 little kids he'd do so much worse. It wouldn't suprise me one bit that he'd require me to have oh whats it called.. where a nurse comes and checks on you once a day or every few days? Which would get back to those nasty military forms and they'd check the lil box sealing Cecil being kicked out of the military which forces option 3. Gotta be really careful there. Damn good thing my biological side of the family dont know who I see cuz I know I can't truely trust them to not go fuck up my life just because they could. Which is why I've seen to it they do not know any of such important information. And you know what for those of them I know read this and dislike that fact TOO DAMN BAD FOR YOU. If it wasn't for your childish, backstabbing, hurtful shit you've pulled in the past then maybe you'd be trusted with well any thing cuz I you know I don't trust you with anything. I've learned that lesson long ago. So don't call me bitching at me about it. You've more then earned the place you have in my life and you know it.

Regarding the kids. well if my back is acting up no way could I get them to and from school. I still havn't learned or figured out away to do that for the days I can't walk or the days I can barely walk. If they are at school and I can't get to them well that is what nana's n papa's and aunt's and uncle's are for as Cecil tells me. The school thing however and the kids missing days here and there I can deal with. I've always been able to bend the rules when it comes to the school system as long as its not a finance office I'm dealing with. I know I can get them to work something out there. As far as the days I'm not able to cook I've got this AWESOME chinese resturant that I LOVE that will bring it right to my door. Because I will not order pizza to be delivered. Ya. its a personal thing and some may understand it and some wont.

Option 3 get out of the military. and to some ppl you may that is an easy task. But since I was a child I've seen what hardships that brings to both men and women regardless if they are single, married, and/or have kids. And well any shot of proving these dumb ass retarded specialist doctors wrong will also go out the window. And because of my back it's going triple those problems and I would no doubt be dead with in a yr with out the care from the doctors. And the doctors I see now are not those retarded cracker jack lisenced ones in the military. You do not want know what 1 office visit runs for me. And the option to sue them for what they did I am pretty certain is out the window by now. I don't know what the limitations on that are.

Option 4 we try to sell this house and go to korea for 2 yrs. which would mean we'd have to take out loans to fix the foundation and a few other small yet highly costly things. In a matter of a few short months of which one of those we'll have to deal with no power due to oklahoma''s stupid ice storms and OG&E refuseing to fix the problem of these 6 houses always loseing power because of them or even hell heavy winds so we'd have any hope of renting or selling the house.. with the chance of the renters changing their minds or it just flat out not sell for what we'd have to have it sell for in order to keep clothes on our backs and food in our tummies. As a child/teen I've been there and swore no matter what I'd have to endure or do I'd NEVER risk my kids having to through that. So that's off the table for that reason alone.

Option 5 We cave to the fact even though I dislike the term I can medically and legally be considered disabled in the military's POV. Ok yes I am but it's only to a point and I wont let those stupid morons be right about it. So for that reason I find it hard to check that little box so it makes it so Cecil can't be deployed to long, to far, and make it so we'd never go anywhere there is not a military facility or a facility who has an agreement with the military to treat me. Hey, that don't sound half bad right? Wrong... the minute that box gets checked guess what.. soon as its processed the next thing that gets processed his Cecil's one way ticket out of the military. Which is no different then option 3.

I've racked my mind as much as I can. I can't think anymore. I can't see anymore paths. And to me and I already know to Cecil as well although I know he'd do which ever I chose, that the path of MOST resistance is the path we are going to forced to take. He's just going to have to go to Korea for a yr. He's going to hate it. The kids are going to hate it. They are going to hate him and hell I already hate him atm. You can tell me until your blue in the face that with everything we've had to face in the last almost 10yrs we've been together that we our relationship could survive anything. But truth be told I've seen what this tour does to couples. The ones that stay together and make it are the ones that would rather honestly be apart from each other. The ones that crash and burn are the ones that are connected to each other heart and soul because its just too damn hard on both parties which turns to one or both being pissed off and hurt even more and that turns to pure hate. And then no matter what, when it reaches that point I havnt seen one couple turn that back around and its over. So it terriffies me to no end.

But unless someone can up with a better option, I'm just stuck rolling the dice and what will be will be and and in a yr and a half the odds are not in our favor that we'll be together at the end of it. And at this moment I really want to just stop time to reverse it and to have never herd that one sentence. But I know I cant.

And ya Jon dear I know what you say but after all thats gone on I just don't, not anymore. It's what WE make of it. Not what we just shrug away and pretend someone or something else will come around and just make everything ok.